Sunday, our lesson in Sunday School was on waiting and patience. Now, for those of you who have followed my infertility blog you know that I know a little bit (read: a lot) about waiting, but I have very little (read: absolutely no) patience. But as I sat through our lesson I couldn't help but think about the last 3 years and how in the beginning there was so much hope that we would get pregnant, but as the years crept by the hope began to fade, and worry and anger set in. And with that worry and anger came negativity and jealousy. The longer it took to get pregnant, the more negative I got and the more I saw the happy, bubbly Janna fade into the darkness. I tried and tried to remain connected to my friends who had children. And I tried my best to not let the jealousy and anger show, but the longer it took to start our family the more I saw myself morph into someone I no longer recognized. It was so hard to keep a positive attitude when everything you want is so far away, but very easy for others.
By the end of the lesson I came to realize that the infertility is a part of my life that I'm now able to look back on and I see how God was stretching me. Quite honestly, I failed miserably to accept the stretching and pruning. Now that I'm past the largest part of the pain I can see how God's hand was leading us through it all, but at the time I felt very alone and as if I could crumble at any minute. Through the pain God taught me a lot about myself, the largest lesson being that I needed to trust Him through the waiting. The fact that I'm not getting a yes exactly when I want it doesn't mean that the answer is no. And waiting isn't a bad thing. There are many lessons to be taught through the waiting, but when I remain faithful God will use the pain and heartache in a way that I never thought possible.
Can I tell you that God truly did answer our prayers for a child in a MIGHTY way!!! It still stings that I'll never have a biological child, but I know that before we ever started trying God had Little Bit chosen to join our family, and that truly humbles me. I could say that I wish I hadn't had to go through all that, but if we hadn't we wouldn't have Little Bit, and I don't know that I would want to live my life without her. Now, I would have liked to skip the 2 miscarriages, but I believe they were all part of the process to strengthen my faith and help me cling to God rather than my family and friends, and I can see where God needed to allow the losses b/c I was leaning too heavily on those around me. Not that my friends and family weren't wonderfully supportive, but there's nothing like being carried through the storm by God.
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unfortunately hindsight is 20/20. when you're going through such a painful ordeal it's hard to see the forest for the trees. it's so nice when you are able to come through it wiser and a better person.
ReplyDeleteBeautiful wonderful post! I too have no patience and am trying so hard to just live the day trusting God and not become sad and angry ( although some days I am) to let HIM mold me!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing!
I remember those dark, bitter days in my own infertility struggle. I'm so glad you have come out on the other side. Your story is a testimony and blessing to others!!
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