Our Doggie

It's taken me several months to get up the nerve to write about this. Several readers were very adament about me not putting Maddie to sleep before we moved, even after speaking at great length to our vet in Baton Rouge. I will give the same instruction I gave over a year ago when I talked about it. Please, keep your harsh comments to yourself. You aren't a part of the situation, you have no clue about her health, nor do you know anything about our finances. If you don't agree with our decision, so be it, but if you're ugly, your comment will be deleted. And I'll probably send you a not so nice email. :)

So, keeping that in mind, here's the story...

Back in August I started noticing that Maddie, our beloved pup, was having some issues urinating. She had gotten extremely aggresive (as in growling with even so much as a touch)and had started isolating herself from us. So, I took her to the vet, and after hundreds of $$ of tests, it was determined that she had some liver issues. Her enzymes were extremely elevated, but at that point it was usure what was causing the issue. So the vet put her on an antibiotic to see if it was an infection causing the elevation. After 10 days of antibiotics the blood work was repeated to find that it hadn't helped. At that point we were told we had two options, to give her an herbal treatment or to take her a specialist who would want $500 just to see her, and then it would be several more hundred for a biopsy. I just about choked on my gum! Our vet consulted with the specialist before calling us with the bloodwork results, and was told that even with a diagnosis, with liver issues there is little that can be done to reverse it or keep it from getting worse. We decided on the herbal treatment and were sent home. She told us to watch her for further aggression, no eating/drinking, further isolation/flat out avoidance. The good news was that she hadn't had a seizure in several months! Yea for small victories!!

In September I started noticing that there were times when I couldn't find her. Her normal hiding places were in my closet, on the loveseat in our bedroom, or on the pile of dirty towels outside the laundry room. She was in neither. I called and called her, and she wasn't coming. I started to panic. I just knew she had hidden so she could die. I finally found her behind the toilet in our bathroom, shivering. It absolutely broke my heart! When I called her to come out, she didn't budge. So I slowly bent down to pick her up and she growled and snapped. So I did the only thing I knew to do, I brought her food and water to her. :(

Things went on this way for a while. She would get up in the morning and be fine, but once she came came in from doing her business and had eaten her breakfast, she would go upstairs by herself. I called the vet, and she told me it was probably getting close to the time to decide what to do with her. I knew she was no longer the dog I once knew, but it completely broke my heart to think about putting her to sleep. I took her back to the vet to let her evaluate her, and she said she wasn't sure how much longer she would go on this way, but the bloodwork showed that the herbal treatment wasn't working.

I decided to take her home b/c I couldn't bring myself to do it that day. And, I wanted Jon to be able to say goodbye. We kept watching her with the hopes that she would get better, but she continued to deteriorate. So on November 17, 2010, I took Maddie to the vet for the very last time. It was the hardest drive I had ever made. Jon was out of town, so the girls had to go with me. I hated that, but she had gotten so bad. She was losing so much weight...her collar didn't even fit anymore! On the way to the vet  I cried and cried! When we got to the vet they immediately put us in an exam room. The vet came in immediately and told me she felt I was making the right decision.The whole time I talked with her, I hugged Maddie and kissed her and told her over and over again how much I loved her and that I would never forget her. I thanked her for being my sweet girl, and I promised it wasn't going to hurt. The assistant came in with some paperwork, and bawling I shakily signed the papers. The vet told me that she had done this hundreds of times, and since the girls were with me, she didn't recommend me going in there with her. She told me that they were going to go right back and do it. They would not wait until the end of the day. She said the girls were old enough to remember, and she thought it would be best if they remember getting kisses from her. So I let each of the girls pet her and kiss her, and I let Maddie kiss all over them (which I normally did not let her do), and with one last embrace, "I love you so much", and kiss I handed her to the vet. When we got in the car, Olivia asked, "What wrong, Mommy? Where Maddie?" UGH! That just broke my heart!!! I bawled all the way home and most of the evening.

Within a few days I received a card from our vet expressing their sympathy. Boy that sure got the waterworks going.

Fast forward to today...

Little Bit and I were laying on the bed in our room, and she picked up the covers and said, "Where Maddie?" (Maddie was a burrower, and loved to get under our covers.) I told her, "Remember, Maddie died." She sat for a second and then said, "She in Heaven? (pause) With Jesus?" Amidst the tears I said, "Well, yes, Honey, she's in Heaven with Jesus." I just love that girl!!

It's amazing to me that she still remembers Maddie, but it gives me great peace about the decision to not let them see her put to sleep. I want them to remember playing with her; not seeing her lifeless on a table. While I feel great guilt about not being there talking to and loving on Maddie throughout the process, I had to think about my girls, and they do remember her, so I feel like I made the right decision (thanks to our sweet vet's encouragement and support).