I've had these thoughts fumbling around in my head for several days now, and at first I pushed them to the back of my mind, but I can't seem to shake them, so I'm getting it all out with the hopes that by doing so I can put this behind me (again). Wishful thinking, I know, but it's worth a try. What you're about to read may surprise you if you've never been in my shoes. For those of you who have adopted children, you may completely agree with how I'm feeling because you've been there before. (If you have been where I am, PLEASE leave me some advice on how to move on!) And for those of you who are in the thick of the adoption process, I don't mean to scare you or make you rethink your decision. These are my thoughts and my feelings, and your experiences may be completely different than mine. I don't mean to offend anyone by airing my true feelings. I am just trying my best to deal with what's been going on in my head for a while and find some way to live with them without having them eat away at me. Some of you might find this post hard to read, so you might want to skip this one if you don't feel like you can handle me being totally and completely honest. Ok---enough with the disclaimer!
First of all, please don't misconstrue my words as me being ungrateful for our beautiful girls because that is so far from the truth! I love our girls with all that I am, and I would give my life for them in a heartbeat!! God has blessed us beyond measure, and I am eternally grateful to our birthmoms who so courageously placed their babies in our arms! But...(yes, there's a but!)
I still have this longing to have a biological child. Not because our girls aren't good enough or because I still have this empty hole in my heart that they can't fill. But I think it's just this innate thing within me (and within lots of women) to have a biological child. And although this wasn't God's plan for me, I still have this longing to carry a child. To have a child who looks like a good combination of Jon and me. And it's a real struggle for me because I want what I can't have, and I keep telling myself that I should just be more content with what has been placed in my life. Let me reitterate, I am BEYOND grateful for our girls, and I can't imagine my life without them!! I just thought, probably VERY naively so, that adopting our girls would take the longing to have a biological child away over time. I knew before we started the adoption process that I had to come to terms with not having a biological child, and I really thought I had. Yes, the longing was still there, but it didn't feel like a punch to the stomach every time I heard about someone else being pregnant. But then a good friend of mine told me that she was pregnant. On one hand, I am ecstatic for them, but on the other hand, my heart sank a little when she told us the news. And that's when I realized that those feelings were a little more fresh than I thought they were. I was upset with myself because I thought I had dealt with them and it wouldn't bother me when I heard another pregnancy announcement. After all, I have two precious little girls, and every morning that I go in their room and find them awake and smiling in their beds it just makes my heart overflow with love.
I have NO desire (let me repeat...NO desire) to go through what Jon and I went through to get pregnant. I don't want to chart, or temp, or take meds, or go through the IUI's, etc....EVER again! So really, the ONLY way I could have a biological child would be for me to miraculously get pregnant, and I just don't see that happening! So then why in the world did my heart sink when my sweet friend gave me her exciting news? If I don't want to do what it takes to have a biological child, then why on Earth would I feel so, dare I say, jealous? I'm baffled!
I knew when we started the adoption process that I still wanted a biological child, and I think I even wrote somewhere that I still wanted one, and that I hoped that as we progressed through the adoption process that those feelings would subside. And like I said earlier, I truly thought they had! I am so surprised by my feelings that I honestly feel guilty for feeling the way that I do. There are so many people in this world who would kill for what I have! And I don't doubt that if you are sitting there reading this and you're still waiting for your child that you're rolling your eyes at me and wanting to jump through your computer and slap me in the face! Because believe me, if the situation were reveresed, I would want to do the same. Oh my gosh I want these feelings to go away and stay away!!! I love our girls!! I wouldn't trade them in for (insert number) biological babies! So can someone PLEASE tell me why in the world I can't shake this longing to have a biological child?
Last night we went out to eat, and one of the waitresses was doting over the girls, and she asked if Chipmunk was a surprise? That question kind of took me aback. I don't want people to think that Chipmunk is our biological baby and Little Bit is adopted! I don't want them to think that we're THAT couple who tried forever, resorted to adoption and then, POOF we got pregnant. I want people to think that they are BOTH adopted so that they know how proud we are of our family. We quickly made sure that the waitress knew that we adopted both girls, and then she told us that she was adopted (hearing stories like that never gets old). However, we did get a laugh about telling her how much of a surprise Chipmunk was in the adoption sense of the word. :) I am so proud of the fact that we have adopted our girls! I just don't think it's fair to the girls to feel the way that I do. I NEVER want them to feel like they don't fit into our family or that we would love a biological child more than we love them. And as I type all this out I feel really rediculous because I'm so proud of the fact that God built our family through adoption, but at the same time I'm wanting a biological child. It's screwy, I tell ya!! But, it's how I'm feeling, and I want to firgure out how to overcome this so I can shake the guilt. INFERTILITY SUCKS!!!
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Actually, I don't think what you are feeling is that unusual. I have read on numerous blogs about this very issue. We have one bio son and adopted our second and I love them both more than words can say but part of me is still hopeful for a miraculous pregnancy (and trust me, it even the RE said IVF wasn't even an option for us). I think its natural and healthy. Your girls will know beyond a doubt that they are loved.
ReplyDeleteJanna, I feel exactly the same way. I love my son more than I ever imagined possible and it's hard for me to imagine even having another baby and how that love would grow and spread. I don't get excited thinking about going through the newborn phase again and middle of the night feedings. I don't know how we would handle it financially. I don't want to have to stop doing any of the fun stuff we do or pay for two kids in daycare. It scares me that I wouldn't have enough time with our son while he's little before another one would come along.
ReplyDeleteAlso, just like you, I am not willing to do any fertility treatments. That is why we switched to adoption. It would have to be a miracle baby too.
However, there is this little part of me that still hurts when I hear a pregnancy announcement because that will never be me. I still wonder what our biological child would look like and act like even though I can't think of a more wonderful baby than the one waiting for me at home. They are our children and they fill our hearts, but it is an innate longing to conceive, carry, and give birth to a child, and see your genes passed on.
I have never been so full and happy, and yet, that longing is still there, even though it would be difficult logistically and financially, and in many ways I only want just one child, but it's still there in the back of my mind.
I almost posted about this once and chickened out. I applaud you for doing it and want you to know you are not alone in feeling this.
AW Janna I obvioulsy don't know what you are going thru but I do know that you love your girls beyond words and I know that having a biological child is something your heart desires and there is nothing wrong with that! It doesn't take away one ounce of love you have for your adopted girls! They are all your children the same! I'm glad you shared your feelings because that what your blog is for!!!
ReplyDeleteWow, I feel like I could have written this same post. I love my daughter with everything in me, and I would go through all the pain and heartbreak of infertility a million times again in order to have her in my life. BUT, yes there is a but. I have always, since I was a little girl dreamt about pregnancy, I was amazed with pregnant women my whole life and to not get that chance, still hurts deep inside. I never want to go through fertility treatments again either so we would also need a miracle.
ReplyDeleteOf course I think about the women who (for whatever reason) never get the chance to be called mom and I thank God for my beautiful Savannah. She is truly the light of my life and like Paul (of the Bible) says, "I must learn in whatsoever state I am, to be content." So this is where I am in my life, I have major, major baby fever right now (my daughter just turned four!)
Sorry, didn't mean to write a book, but obviously from all of these responses you are definitely not alone. (((hugs)))
Janna, I think it takes a brave person to express the feelings that you have deep inside you. No one should ever doubt the love that you have for your girls. I think that the reason we desire to have children of our own is that it is in our biological make up. Not only that, but also as little girls we are told that when we grow up we are going to have babies of our own someday. What you are experiencing is perfectly natural. I think it is very healthy for you to be able to express your feelings. I hope that you find comfort in the fact that what you are going through is completely normal. Big hugs!
ReplyDeleteJanna,
ReplyDeleteI think what you are feeling is completely normal. I can't say I understand exactly where you are coming from because I am not in your situation and don't have infertility or adoption experience but I think for most (not all but most) woman there is just that innate drive to make and have babies. I have two children, my youngest daughter being 14 months and even though this last pregnancy almost killed me (complications), I STILL find myself being sad about not being pregnant anymore and most likely not being pregnant ever again. It's totally illogical (I still have a BABY!) but I have cried about it more times than I'd like to admit. I know it probably sounds ridiculous considering I have been pregnant and have two children but there it is.
I applaud you for expressing your true feelings. When I read this post I could almost hear the sigh of relief!
Your girls are beautiful!
I don't think there's any way that you "should" or "shouldn't" feel. You simply feel the way you do, and it sounds pretty normal to me. And there's no need to feel guilty about how you feel either :)
ReplyDeleteThe pain of IF just does not go away, even if you become a parent (even biologically/genetically).
Maybe you're feeling jealous about your friend because you have to go through so much just to TRY to get pg (& it didn't work) and they perhaps barely have to try at all (& it works).
Maybe just talking through all your feelings on your blog will help, over time?
I totally understand what you are saying. I've had the same thoughts. It definitely doesn't mean you love your girls any less.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, infertility does suck!